On Thursday I saw Jim Gaffigan outside the Bowery Whole Foods. He was wearing a Yankee cap and running pants. He looked like a turnip.

—@JohnDeVore

On Monday I saw Yunjin Kim in the Bowery Whole Foods meat section. Then by the salsa. Then by the store-made salsa, wide-scanning the shelves.  

The Internet says she married in March. So with respect to one ‘Jeong Hyeok Park’ I say she looked goooood. Kind of a 90s outfit: a crazy-short floral babydoll dress and these black suede ankle boots w/ cone heels. Legs for days.

Decided to make my own guac and saw a nervous/cross-armed Clémence Poésy back in produce. My guess is she’s in town filming for Gossip Girl. She plays Chuck Bass’s French fling in the first 4 eps of the new season.

Love her because she’s way hot but also for that In Bruges scene where she exits, tossing her card over her shoulder at the last second. So cool/too cool/’how fucking cool’ in a cheesy/only-in-a-movie kinda way. 

Last summer I walked past Anderson Cooper across the street from Whole Foods so this almost doesn’t count. But he had a Whole Foods bag. (And boyfriend in tow squeeeeeee)

They got into a car parked by Mars Bar. My friend was pissed that I didn’t alert her when they passed but how do you do that? Until they got close I thought it was just another pair of buff gay dudes.

I wanna say his boyfriend was wearing a tanktop? Anderson’s not ‘out’ so maybe I shouldn’t be saying boyfriend: Anderson’s sexy male shopping companion was wearing a tanktop. They weren’t holding hands or anything.

Sometime last year I got in the express checkout line behind Tracy Morgan. He was pushing a walker and had walking casts on both feet. His lady was pushing their cart. He kept telling her how crazy the joint was. A first timer?

It was a first for me too. I didn’t hear him tell a pregnancy joke. I’ve since formulated a controversial theory: He’s a creative guy underneath those pregnancy jokes. They’re his burden, his ‘you might be a redneck’ or ‘take my wife—please.’

I’ll admit bias. As I left I saw him laboring into the passenger seat of a late-model SUV while his lady loaded their groceries. Dude struggled in front of me. And what a badass lady, you know? Helping him when he’s down. He should knock her up.

Shortly after moving to NYC I ran into Moby at the LES location. I was looking down trying to will an erection away and he was on the phone. I blame him. He was exiting from the NW corner’s entry-only door. I said ‘sorry?’ and my eyes must’ve widened or something because he gave me a pretty genuine smile.

Running into Moby in the LES is not a big deal. Everyone does it. But physically running into Moby in the LES is a very big deal: when our foreheads konked I touched someone who’s touched Natalie Portman’s vagina. I won’t do much better without catching a charge or licking Brian Austin Green’s fingertips.

I’ll also give Moby this: he’s taller than I thought he’d be. I just broke out a ruler and even with my head fully lowered, I can’t headbutt anyone under 5’7”.

I saw Daveigh Chase today in the dry goods section at Whole Foods. She was walking from the meat section toward produce. I recognized her but couldn’t place her. I didn’t get a look at her basket.

I know her as an illegal and styled as such: ‘Sparkle Motion’ dancer/little sister to Donnie Darko, Chloe Sevigny’s daughter on Big Love, that undead girl in The Ring. In person she looks very legal. Research shows she is legal.

My conclusions: I know she’s got good priorities. (Meat-before-produce is a cool attitude.) I know she’s cute. I know she once said the word ‘fuckass’ on film.